Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
bout dat hot dog summer
