Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.