Got a light
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
When you’re Kinky but poor
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
just pretend nothing happened
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing