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If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.