Got a light
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash