Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Yes my dude

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?