Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
(yawn)
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Ape together strong
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years