Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.