Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese