Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Watson was Holmes schooled
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.