Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Perfection.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
seems like a niche market
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.