Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
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* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
just pretend nothing happened
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better