Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
You Might Also Like
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Try and stop me.
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?