Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Otters see a butterfly.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?