Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Beware of fowl play.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Breakfast for Stoners:

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you