Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
what’s the point then??
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks