Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.