Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
This makes total sense…
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see