Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
had to share :’)
Me when someone tries to get to know me
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
For the ones in the back.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.