Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*