Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
You Might Also Like
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho