Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”