Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.