Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Please do it!

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.