Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The Backseat Boys
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing