Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many