Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
yeah 😭
Managing expectations
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me My dog
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.