Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really