Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

🙀🙀🙀😹

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.