Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
