Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
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Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.