Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
why I oughta
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind