Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
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ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
A friend helps you before you need it
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
May have had one breakfast too many
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys