Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.