Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening