Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.