Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT