Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…