Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife