Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Happy thanksgiving
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!