Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning