Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved