got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Roombas should bark
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.