Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined