got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me