Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.