Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
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Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife