Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.