Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My five year plan is a meteorite
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool