Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons