Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
How do I get a job writing these texts
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.