Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
You Might Also Like
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Rude much 😂😂😂
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.