Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments