Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Oh hi lol
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low