Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.