Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.