Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?