Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“i am a sweet baby”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I have never related to a cat more
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious