Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff