@ItsMeHelenMary

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

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@TheBoydP

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

@Henry_3000

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

@delusions_of

Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

@SteveKoehler22

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

@Demented_Jokes

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

@mack44_d

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@myonlymizztake

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.