Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.