Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
they really do be looking like this
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
<—- homeless romantic
i was dropped as an adult
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
adam and eve had first world problems
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.