Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
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This is me
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
aura
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.