Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

do you like vampires?

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