got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark