Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

Oh my god

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

No, you’re not getting it your honor

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*