Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Word.

~ Microsoft.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific