Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
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doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect