“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Education is vital
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.