Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
you stereotypes are all alike
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
looks legit
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.