@Mikecanrant

Got any spare change?

No, Im an athiest.

Can you give me a hand?

No, Im an athiest.

Hows the weather?

Sorry, Im an athiest.

– Athiests

You Might Also Like

@nachosarah

if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine

@david8hughes

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

@TBH42

There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…

@lecalabara

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@FlyJ_

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

@girlnarly

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

@OrangeFact

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account