“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
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HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.