“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
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the three branches of government
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
This joke is 7 years old
