Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
What?!?
