Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.



1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*


“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.


Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?


T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.


HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely


I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.