Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My neck, my back, my…
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
What kind of a cult is this?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I was bored.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed