@coketruck76

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

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@BadCoq

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@wildethingy

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@Playing_Dad

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

@GorillaNipples1

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

@e4moji

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

@JohnFugelsang

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.