got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
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*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
bros in the example zone 😭
Confused owl: What?!
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain