got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You Might Also Like
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
#Caturday
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
This trial is so absurd 😭
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.