Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
when a toddler tells a story
out-housing market appears to be strong
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.