Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
good work, everybody
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.