Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.