Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

Tuesday

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself